Okay, so, I try my best to be a good person, yes? I'm helpful, I'm kind, I don't kick people when they're down (unless it's Ro, and believe me, she has it coming, not that we're talking to each other. If her nose was any higher in the air when I'm around, she'd walk into walls) I love small furry animals. I like to surprise my friends with small presents, and I love to write. That's my main escape in life, is to write. I try to write stories that I would enjoy reading had I not written them. Many times, I do go back and read my old work and find that I do enjoy it, even having written it, because my memory is bad and I don't always recall what I write, so it comes as a pleasant surprise to me. I also find that I've held to the standard I set myself because I do enjoy reading it. That holds for my original pieces as well, I try to write fun and engaging stories that will hold peoples' attention and make them want to reread because they enjoyed it so much. Unfortunately, no publisher will touch me so I'm self-publishing and I don't think I've got an audience out there. That's just me, maybe I do. Maybe I'm just being stupid. This rant is not about how well my books are selling, or if they're not selling. It's about words and fan fiction.
I am this close. THIS CLOSE to throwing in the towel and saying to hell with it all. With my dragon chronicles, I've spent almost seven years working on a large story arc that spans fandoms, and, for a while there, I had a bunch of people following along. Reading. Commenting. Enjoying. No matter what happened or what I did, it seemed like they were there. Then I introduced Mandy, an OC, and I started getting accused of putting in a MarySue character. Come on, like I said to them back then, go read the Outside Influences stories if you want to see how characters based on me look. Tiff and Lex are two halves of me, and there are stories behind them that I am not going into online no matter how much anyone asks. So just don't even. Mandy was created to show a strong female character who could teach. People didn't like her, so I killed her off. Then I lost readers. I went back to the drawing board, tried to pick up the story again, but then I stopped watching CSI: NY and didn't have my character voices there the way I wanted them to be. I made the highly painful decision to kill off the NY half of the community. I lost a TON of readers. So I caved to pressure and brought back Mac and Danny. Didn't seem to make any difference. Too little, too late I suppose. Then I stopped watching CSI the original and decided to add some excitement and suspense to the story, so I had a bomb blow up in Miami. During that time, I added in some new fandoms that I was enjoying and thought would enrich the story. People had been asking for dragons from other countries. I guess I never realized they only meant Europe because almost no one liked the Japan dragons. Even with the new lore that was brought into the story. By this point in time, my read count had dropped and reviews were almost nil for the story. I took it over to AO3 and people started reading it. They enjoyed it. This gave me hope, but the one thing everyone keeps asking for is not to kill off Gil and Nicky. I'll put it here. My intent all along was to kill them off. I had plans for the story that involved that. But what the hell, I caved to reader pressure - the few loyal readers left by this point because I don't want to lose them too - and am trying to work Gil and Nick back into the story. To do that, I had to break off and bring in some help from another country. England. Richard Jury, his human, and some of the gang from Torchwood. Now I think I've lost every single reader I had. I'm getting comments on the last chapter of "War" that, if read right, have sarcasm in them. People, sarcasm is not the way to get a writer to finish a story. THAT IS HOW YOU KILL ANY DESIRE FOR A PERSON TO WRITE.
I posted a couple of days ago asking how many people are interested in my TDC original novel. You know how many people replied back to me on that? One. One bloody person (no offense meant here, perky, I'm making a point. I know you're always behind me). To me that says that this novel that I've worked on for nearly six years has no interest in it what-so-ever. Does anyone even care? What would happen if I just quit posting. Put up a note that said I'm sick and tired of how every bloody fandom is treating me, and believe me, I've had some rough treatment over the 11 years I've been writing fan fiction, and I'm just going to write for myself and original pieces. Then I can upload them to amazon and watch the numbers stay the same. I've run prices. Ebooks are the best way to get my things out there. The only way I could make anything on my books if I put them into book form would be to charge over $10. With Ebooks, I can keep the price down. Not that it matters, but that's as may be.
I suppose I just have a simple question to ask the few people who have actually read this. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??? I'm looking at stories I have to edit, WIPs that need updates, a novel that's ready to go save for the final edit and I don't want to do anything with any of it. I can't even work on a contest entry that needs to be done because I have no interest in writing at all. People, mind your words when you are talking online. Remember there is no tonal cues with the written word. Reviews can hurt the writer more than anything else if you phrase things wrong, or even write them in frustration or anger. Three days, I've had three reviews that cut deep. Did they mean them to? Who knows. But they did. At this point, who knows when I'll be back.